When I dropped the husband off to leave for his deployment. I kept telling myself “Be strong, you can do this”. I was hoping if I said it enough times, it would come true. There were things I was telling myself I HAD to do: stay strong, keep busy, be positive. There were also things I said I would never do.

It turns out, I was a liar.

Here are 10 things I said I would never do during deployment.

1. “I Would Never” Freak the F**k Out. At one point during my husband’s deployment, it seemed like everything was crashing down. The little stuff just kept piling on and I just flipped. The wifi wasn’t working. My favorite shirt popped a button. The DVR didn’t record my shows. I was having a horrible day and the 911 operator didn’t even care.
2. “I Would Never” Spoil the Kids. This includes fur-babies too. For some reason, I felt like I had to make up for daddy leaving. So I bought extra toys, clothes, games. I let them have a few extra treats, bend the rules, etc. Then of course, when Daddy comes home, I deny that they’re spoiled and that they’ve always been that way. Deny. Deny. Deny
3. “I Would Never” Eat My Feelings. I said I would never pig out or use deployment as an excuse to become a complete heffer. Well, there were some nights where I had a complete fatty meltdown. As in, I ordered two burritos instead of one, asked for chili cheese fries instead of regular, and topped it off with the large mozzarella sticks instead of the medium. With a diet coke, of course.
4. “I Would Never” Go Over Budget. If you play your cards right, every military family knows that they can save mucho dinero during a deployment. On the whole, we did save a lot. BUT, there was one or two days where a simple trip to Target for detergent turned into two shopping carts full of stuff. The beagle got a new dog house and Junior got a swing set. The beagle is an indoor pet and Junior couldn’t even walk yet.
5. “I Would Never” Be Jealous. On social media, I would see posts of couples getting ready for the ball, or pictures of their family Halloween costumes, or photos of date nights. I knew I shouldn’t be jealous but looking at their happy faces made me a little green with envy.  The worse would be couples with a shorter deployment or a deployment where they received regular communication. I just kept repeating my mantra: “I-will-not-be-jealous-I-will-not-be-jealous (I secretly hate you) I-will-not-be-jealous-I-will-not-be-jealous”
6. “I Would Never” Be a Hermit. If you have kids, you know how hard it is to get yourself and the offspring out the door and into public. When you’re the only child-wrangler, you might make it as far as the end of the street before you forgot a toy/bottle/diaper/your sanity. Then the meltdown ensues. Sometimes, it was just easier to live royally in your little cave. After all, my little cave has netflix, a couch, and food. …Long Live the Queen.
7. “I Would Never” Dwell on Deployment. Any military life counselor will tell you, you have to keep living your life during deployment. Don’t spend your time focusing on the negative or staring at a countdown. You have to make each moment count. Well, he just so happened to be deployed during our anniversary. I put on my wedding dress, watched our wedding videos, and scrapbooked our wedding pictures all with a bottle glass of wine in my hand. I was a very sad-looking, yet fabulously dressed little bride.
8. “I Would Never” Have a Messy Home. When you’re down one cleaning partner, things can get ugly quick. As in, there was a nice two-inch layer of clothes in my bathroom floor that didn’t see soap for a good two weeks. With a new baby, it looked like Fisher-price exploded in my living room. The grass in my backyard became a frickin rainforest. I seriously forgot how the lawnmower worked because I hadn’t used it in so long. At that rate, I either had to hunker down, commit to organization, and have a major cleaning marathon or just pay someone to do it. (Yeah, I paid someone)
9. “I Would Never” Let Go of My Looks. Let me tell you something, I had some hairy gorilla legs for a good chunk of deployment. Did I wax my eyebrows regularly? Nope. Did I wear makeup everyday? Nope. Did I iron my clothes every day? Hahaha. You’re funny! The foxy lady he left before deployment turned into a grizzly werewolf at some points. It wasn’t until right before deployment was almost over that I had to get all sexy again. *sighs* so much work.
10. “I Would Never” Act Paranoid. When you’re home with husband and things go bump in the night, it’s a little scary. When you’re by yourself and things go bump in the night, it is “s**t-your-pants, grab-the-gun, zombies-are-taking-over” scary. I would have to do a ten-point check every time I left the house to make sure I didn’t leave things unlocked or burn the house down. I would treat every doorbell ring like a fire alarm. “Who is there?! What do you want?! Leave now or I will CUT you!!!…. trick-or-treaters”

Need more on military life? Check out the Ultimate Handbook for modern military spouses and significant others.