Military BallThere’s always great anticipation for military balls, especially for most military spouses. I’ve only been to a handful:  one Navy birthday ball aka prom part 2, and 2 or 3 khaki balls aka middle school dance part 2. You know you wanted to wear a pretty dress (I’m with ya!). Whether it’s your first or fifteenth military ball, there are certain kinds of people that show up. Perhaps, you may be one of them!. Here are the 10 types of people that you may see at a military ball.

The Infant

This is the person that you see who has just left boot camp and looked like they just left summer camp. They are fresh out of high school and are at the very first military ball, looking very fresh-faced and full of energy. They typically look very bored because they aren’t old enough to purchase alcohol and they can’t drink beforehand and be drunk because everyone would know. These are just the kind of people to remind you of just how old you are… (sighs)

The Old-Timer

This man or woman has some mileage. He or she has been around the military a loooooong time and it shows. They’re typically laid back at events because they’ve been to so many. There are two types: some that come just for the food and then bail after the speeches and some that are the social butterflies because they’ve been around so long. They know everybody.

Mr. Generous

This person is the “Oprah” of alcohol. You get a drink! And you get a drink! Everybody gets drinks! He or she is probably three sheets to the wind (or hoping to be) and therefore wants everyone to be drunk. They’ll poke fun at designated drivers or those who order “just a beer”. You don’t see them the second half of the night because they’re in the bathroom recovering (or avoiding paying their tab)

The Hoochie

This is the date that wanted to grab everyone’s attention in the worst way possible. Her dress is cut to there, slit to here, and maybe even see-through. It doesn’t matter to her. She thinks she is the hottest damn thing to happen to a military ball. The scotch tape on her dress is hanging on for dear life as it holds her dress to her boobs. Beware the nip-slip or if she’s not wearing panties, her “Britney”.

The Bottomless Pit

This person clearly came for the food and nothing else. He’s the one constantly asking people when they think dinner will be served.  If it’s a fixed meal, he’ll wolf it down immediately before everyone else at their table has gotten their food (Rude!). If it’s a buffet, he’s the one that takes four plates: one for his salad, and three for his dinner. After the food is gone, he splits.

The Disgustingtons

You don’t know what their faces look like because they’ve got their tongues down each other’s throats. You would shake their hands when you meet them but they’ve been playing grabass all night. This lovely twosome cannot keep their hands off each other because for some reason they’ve decided that in the vicinity of their bosses and peers, they want to dry hump. Avert your eyes when you see them on the dance floor and “Too Close” by Next comes on… *shudders*

The Tripod

She (or He) only know one move and that consists of their hands on the floor and their ass in the air (hence “tripod”). Not one for formality, they’ll bump-and-grind on anyone on the dance floor who will have them without even asking for their name. For some reason, they’re always very sweaty. All in a day’s twerk, I guess.

The Parents

One hand on their fork and the other shushing their kid. These folks either didn’t have a sitter or actually WANTED to bring their kids.  If you are seated next to them, be aware that if you make friends with the family, they might ask you to watch their kids as they “go get a drink”. Translation: YOU are now the babysitter.

The Smooth Dancer

This is the guy at the ball that can ACTUALLY dance. In fact, he’ll probably start a middle school dance-off circle. Uniform on no uniform, he is moving his body in all sorts of directions. This guy is a blast to watch. If you’re hesitant to dance because you’re intimidated, wait until the Cupid Shuffle comes on. It’s the dancing equalizer.

The Besties

The girls are the queens of selfies.  You’ll see them taking photos by the cake, at the table, on the dance floor, by the bar, in the bathroom. When they’re not taking selfies, they’re on their phone uploading pictures to social media and updates their statuses with a bazillion hashtags. #militaryball #awesomeness #amazeballs

Are you one of these people? Who else do you see at a military ball?

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